My best life ever

I should be in Siargao right now. Instead, I'm in the city... attending to my responsibilities.

It's easy to be happy when everything is going well and according to plan. How are you when your plans fall apart?

The past couple of weeks have been tough on my mental health. I had to exert extra effort not to succumb to the pressure and exhaustion brought about by life (not just work, mind you). I wasn't going to share this. But, in light of recent events, I feel that posting this, while detrimental to my privacy, may be beneficial more to those who may be struggling as I was.

It broke my heart that so many people shared that video. I knew him. I knew of his demons. While what happened is sensational, it was hard for me to believe how desensitized people have become over death. This is a human being in his weakest and most vulnerable. And there are people he left behind who have to deal with this loss. Read that again, put yourself in both shoes, and learn from this situation.

Depression and anxiety are not novelty terms. The easiest explanation I've been given by my shrink is it's just like diabetes. When someone has diabetes, you don't tell them to just be strong and to snap out of it. You tell them to see a doctor. You rush them to the ER when the symptoms manifest. You encourage them, if not force them, to be treated. At the same time, when you have diabetes, you don't just go on with your life hoping it will go away. You take the medication and you make lifestyle changes not to aggravate it. You don't let it become you. You don't go around expecting people to treat you differently for it.

I've wanted to die for as long as I can remember. My teenage journals chronicled those moments. I felt so alone and insignificant. That's why I started writing. I didn't think I'd live past 27. True enough, it was 2012 when I had my worst episode. I'll spare you the morbid details but I was so convinced that I had to die that I wrote to my family and my friends. I said my goodbyes. "I love you and this is not your fault." I put on my favorite dress and prepared my "ticket to freedom". I sent a text message to my manager quitting my job. Then, someone showed up. And then, another. And before I knew it, my family was there. I was loved. I was valued. I am loved... and I will be missed. The demons just made me not see it.

When I was loved back to life, so to speak, I realized that suicide is selfish. Wanting to harm myself is selfish. My parents didn't work that hard to provide for me to have a good life just so I can end it. My friends didn't spend all those hours listening to me go on and on about how sad I was just so I can end it. And I didn't survive every failure and heartbreak just so I can end it. I was saved. And from then on, I made it my purpose to give back.

I just turned 34. I didn't plan my life this far. This is all new to me - not knowing. But, I know - I've seen - that if I can just get through an episode, I'll see that things aren't as bad as I may think. I am alive and there is always hope. Always. I just need to listen to my body and take good care of me. I sleep at least 7 hours a day. I exercise. When I'm tired, I rest. I make time for everyone and everything that makes me feel alive. I say no to people and things that I feel would not contribute to my well-being. When I fail, I treat myself with kindness and look for ways I can do better. When a negative thought pops in my head, I pause and analyse it. I turn it inside out until it becomes something that pushes me to keep going. Catriona's silver lining is real.

When the negative thoughts become too strong for me to manage, I do my part and I reach out to my support system. I take my meds. I don't post on social media and I don't just go around spewing my vitriol to whomever will give me the time of the day. I never want to add to anyone's burden. As someone in need of support, I also need to be compassionate towards everyone's struggles and make sure that they are in the right frame of mind to help. "I am not okay. Do you have the head space to listen?"

My dear friends, I am 34 and living my best life. I start and end each day with gratitude. Nothing is too small to be thankful for. I've found that the more I give thanks for what I have, the less bad I feel for what I don't. I've also found that the more I love my self, the less offended I feel when some people don't. Stop comparing your life to what you see on social media. Everyone's life is different. Everyone's struggles are different. You do need to know what makes you happy and keep moving towards it. The journey is the destination. I'm rooting for you.